Imaginator the Suicide Rescue

Once in awhile I'll have something happen that triggers my childhood memories. I'm not really sure what causes it. It just happens, sometimes waking up to a cold sweat relieved that it was just a dream.
I don't really want to seek help for it because it more of a positive feeling then a negative one. Sometimes I think it's these traumatic events that motivate me and keep me going.

This particular memory I was about 1l years old and at the time we just moved to Oak Park, IL from Chicago. I was on my way home from school and as I was making my way through the kitchen door I discovered a family member, but not blood related, slopped over the kitchen table. There was beer cans everywhere and I smelled a very strong gas smell. It instantly accrued to me that this close family member was attempting to kill themselves. After going through a bitter divorce he wanted the pain to go away.

I don't know how I was even able to think clear. All these thought were streaming through my head in a matter of seconds. The first though was "I have to get out of here before this house blows up" That's the way they portray it in movies. I think my instincts kicked in and I knew I had to get him and I out. I grabbed him by the arms, ripped him out of his chair and dragged the 210 lb man across the kitchen floor and outside to get some fresh air. I don't really know how I did this because I was a skinny runt, probably only about 80lb I weighed. The only thing I could think of was that it must of been the adrenalin that gave me the strength. The family member ended up living, but had shortly moved on and started his own life after the divorce.

There was another time in my life that this has happened. One in particular was when I was in high school. I never really got into sports. I was always more into the performing and creative side.


I was in gym class one day and we were outside playing softball. I was doing terribly bad. I couldn't hit the ball if it had a string on it and it was dangling in front of my face. After several strike outs I was up to bat again. The first swing, STRIKE! then the second swing, STRIKE! suddenly the classmates started chanting my name. "Hawk, Hawk, Hawk...."(That was my nickname short for my last name Hawkins)  the next pitch that came to me, I must of whacked that thing straight over the field. I actually got a home run and our team ended up winning.

have you ever watched any of those inspirational baseball movies? that's how it felt for me.


I was thinking about how incredible our mind and body is. Sometimes it can do incredible things for us. When adrenalin and endorphins kick in you can do unbelievable things.


The other day I hear on the radio that a woman accidentally fell of a train platform and ended under a train that had just stopped under her. Many people off the train got off to help,

Then something unseen happened. They all got together and started lifting the train, just enough to get the woman out. The woman ended up walking away from what appeared to be a impossible escape from death.

I remember having one other occurrence where my adrenalin really kicked in. I lived at Stonebridge apartments in Arlington Heights at the time. That's when my sister was now taking care of me after the family split up and my dad passing away. We had just moved from Elmwood Park, IL, which to me is basically, Chicago. My new school, Buffalo Grove High School would be the 8th school and last school that I would ever be attending. I just hated and despised this new school. Talk about a culture shock. In the city if kids didn't like you they would just kick your ass. You would fight after school, kick the crap out of each other and then maybe become friends. In the burbs, Buffalo Grove, you had emotional bullying. Which to me is worse. To tell you the truth I would take a nice ass kicking over the emotional abuse anytime. 

I had a hell of a struggle at that school. Between being homeless,(which I don't remember) dad passing, family splitting up and  as well as remembering the attempted suicide was traumatizing for me. walking through the halls and library was always interesting. Passing all the different cliques as you go buy, hearing whispers and mean things to anyone that wasn't in there group. Me, walking by them thinking to myself " These kids have no clue what life's about." I've always felt that sense of disconnection. It's even worse when you're dealing with people who seem to just be prancing in the park. For some reason the cards have always been spread out perfect and they never have had any challenges. Everything has been handed to them, therefore they would probably be devastated the very first time a challenge arises.

Most of the kids in the cliques probably don't even belong there themselves, but hey! doesn't acting like your the best thing next to sliced bread sound good? To bad I didn't have a bread slicer.
These are probably the same people that when they get older they're driving the fancy Mercedes and don't stop at the pedestrian signs because they own the world. It must really be nice to be you.

There was one little boy in particular, I call him little boy because even though he was in high school, that's the mentality he had. He lived a StoneBridge apartments as well. I think his name was Paul .B, not sure, but he was part of that group. One day he got upset that I didn't give him a candy bar. I was selling them as part of my "Junior achievement"

class and I didn't want to give one to him without paying because I would then be short. By the way "Junior achievement" was an excellent class. It teaches kids how to run a business. I highly recommend it. Well anyway it really pissed this kid, Paul off,  that I didn't give in. So one day after school him and his follower, Mike, decided to start throwing rocks at my window. I remember thinking, "When is this going to stop?" I didn't even have to look for things to happen to me. They just happened. Of course I wasn't going to take two small kids throwing rocks at my window so I called the apartment office. Boy! did they get it. Now I had to endure what every kid has to when you report bullying, things getting worse! A few days latter Paul decided that he would pick a fight with me while my friend and I was a Dapper's restaurant. Do you want to here the week thing about him? He couldn't even fight for himself. He had to get a high school burnout to fight for him. Are you kidding me?

Here this Paul dude was acting all tough and he couldn't even fight himself. WOW! So anyway there I am in the middle  of the side walk of Dapper's and this Guy Kevin, a band dude, comes after me with some punches. I remember getting hit right in the face and watching the stupid smirk on Paul's face. My adrenalin then kicked in and the last punch anyone saw was me hitting Kevin right in the mouth and blood gushing out. It was a instant triumph. By the time I got back to school from lunch the whole school was talking about it. I really hate fighting. I don't like it at all, but sometimes you have no choice and I'm glad I was able to defend myself that day. Not such a good day for Kevin, he had to face every one asking him question in his band class the rest of the day.

After that Paul never bothered me again. Once in awhile I would bump into him at a restaurant that I was doing magic at. He still had that same smile. You know that "I'm better then you, I'm the next best thing to sliced bread look" Yep! Paul was part of that group. So was another kid who I  see ever so often at another restaurant I work at performing magic. Every time I see him' he's always yelling at his kids and his wife just has this look like "If you the best thing next to sliced bread then I should of maybe married some burnt toast." I think it's so sad when people just think they are "it."

They say that in the early ages of life our personalities are already setting our path. That's why it's so important as parents do watch everything we say and do because we are setting that path of our children
I really think that teaching our kids to be positive, creative and use their imagination helps with having a strong mind and making good decisions.

In the bible David conquers the enemy with a stone. For me I didn't have a stone. I just had the faith and spirituality to guide me as well as having a common sense of respect for people. Treat everyone the way you would like to be treated.

I imagine that it was probably very difficult for the man that I was talking about earlier in the post. The family member that tried to take his life. Many people face many challenges in their lives. I really don't understand depression or feeling so far gone that one would like to take their life away.

If only we could tap into the chemicals in our body to help with depression and stabilize the chemicals we need in our brain so people with depression can be happy. When ever you need to stabilize it you can just reach in. Kind of like when you have a adrenalin rush. You don't ask for it, it just comes when you need it.

I guess my wrap up in this blog is that whatever challenges you've had or are having now, It does get better. Sometimes you have to step out and look at who you are. Are you a Paul or a Kevin? Is your path of destruction already in place or are you going to face your FEARS and insecurities straight in the face and say "NO! I WILL NOT BE DEFEATED!

Your heroism is within you! being a HERO isn't trying to prove how much better or well liked are are by people. Being a HERO is about YOU! It's about feeling empowered to be the best you can be so that you may MOTIVATE or INSPIRE others to do the same. The gift to do that is inside of you.

Use your IMAGINATION and CREATIVITY to INSPIRE.

Don't be a Paul or Kevin. BE YOU!

Imaginator